i forgot to mention the best thing of this month:

i’ll have two acting jobs. just those very small ones with nothing to say. but i don’t care.
love being where movies are made! so tomorrow i’ll be a prostitute (with nothing to do *lol* – thats good

and on may 30th i’ll be a model from a small town. sounds familiar.

this was yesterday:

this should be a relaxed day.
but there are way too many drunk, stoned and dumb people outside in the gardens around me. too many bad and sad stories.
and i wish those people would just go away.
i can’t focus on my life and get sucked into their lifes.
but this is and never was me. i wish i wouldn’t know anyone of them and no one would know me.
oh neighbours.

today i say: i just gonna pretend like i don’t know my neighbours

poor blog.

last post in january and now it is middle may?

so what’s to tell. not much actually.

job is going fine. after almost (not really) getting used to this less responsibility part something big changed et voila: there is more responsibility and stress again.
but in the good way. but it is funny. i mean it seems no matter where i go job-wise there is change (and not always caused by me…)

love. no love. good this way.

sports & ballet. is going fine.

health: oh my. i’m becoming vegan. no kidding. i was so fed up with eating unhealthy and all this crap now there is the way to go. works better than i thought.

photography..art: slow. but it’s coming back too.

people: getting rid of energy-suckers, people who take drugs or drink regulary. people with big money problems. people not working on improving their lifes. not many people left.
searching for funny, artsy, nice and not complaining all the time. searching for people who want to be happy.

can’t believe it is week three at my new job already. time = fast.
new job is nice. and great. and relaxing.
i do struggle a little bit with my old feelings. like a shadow from the old work-place.
including insecurity, can i be how i am? lots of fears and worries all around life. i guess its the aftermath.
but it is getting better.
and it is january – a month that at some point always seems dark and cold and long *lol* but hey, almost over.
on saturday i will finally watch breaking dawn 1, finally.

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day…

For a better 2012: Always know when to let go. When a thought is bringing you more misery than peace, let go of the thought; when a person is bringing more pain than joy to your life, let go… You cannot be your best if you lack joy and peace.

If it didn’t Bring you Joy,
Just Leave it Behind.

Let’s Ring in the New Year
With Good Things in Mind.

Let Every Bad Memory Go
That Brought Heartache and Pain.

And let’s Turn a New Leaf
With the Smell of New Rain.

Let’s Forget Past Mistakes
Making Amends for This Year.

Sending You These Greetings
To Bring you Hope and Cheer

Happy New Year!….

dear 2011

i made my memory-book for 2011 a few days ago and realized you werent that bad at all.
the only no-fun thing (work) just ruled it a little bit so the nice things got lost!
found them.
thank you, 2011, you were great and made me realise so many things!
here are a few “dear” things..didnt plan for it, just happened

dear online-friend
i miss you so much and i guess i will always call as friends.
i love to talk over things with you because it always gives me alot.
you are smart and fun and witty. we spent so much time together – online.
or should i say: we used to.
it is very difficult to get a hold of you and i often asked myself if you still want to be in contact or if its just life that doesnt make it possible anymore.

for myself i can say: i tried. i tried to reach you, i tried to let it just go the way it goes.
but being true to myself: it hurts a little bit – no matter what the reason for not being in touch is.
so for me it is time to let go.
i am here if you ever should wanna “build up” on the friendship we had.
i will be more than happy and grateful if this ever should happen.
if not – than not. which may leave me a little bit sad.
but i am not going on wondering and feeling a little bit hurt.

dear neighbour above me.
i do like you and there has always been something between us.
but not what you want.
you want a stable relationship to feel save.
i believe you need to feel save with yourself. you wont find your safety in anyone else.
you need someone to take care of. i believe you first you should be able to take care of yourself and your issues and not needing anyone to avoid your own.
you need someone to go out with. one person.
i dont. i go out when i want to and i even dont mind being alone.
you do not like being alone. i believe you need alone-time in your life. without spending this time with your playstation or whatever.
you are always in the need for a relationship. needing it doesn’t work out well.
like i said: i like you. but friendship doesn’t work because you always want more and more of my time. you push me away with that.
(still not sure what to do with that one.)

dear neighbours below me, esp the wife.
i care, i like you, i like to listen and to help. i did listen. i gave advice. i spoke my mind. after the last month i can say:
your husband wont stop drinking and he wont start to care. it is all about his addiction. and you are drinking way too much too and you focus on the wrong things. you know the only thing that would help is to take your two daughters and leave him and damn it, get your life together. it would be the only way to get healty, get out of your money problems (and these are big. so big). and it would be the only way to make him realize what going wrong. his only chance. you know that, you agree with me but do the same mistakes again and again. like today. fighting the wrong people like our landlords.
you get yourself in more trouble again.
i cant help anymore and i do not want to. i feel like being in these awful “reality tv shows” i so do not like.
so i am saying goodbye to your troubles.
i’ll be there for your kids still and for you if you really need help but i am not joining this downward spiral.
i’ll focus on health and wealth and harmony.

dear barry,
oh i still miss you.
i am over this point where i thought: i need to email barry about it.
today it is more like – when a subject comes up we talked about:
oh i talked with barry about it.

sometimes i imagine that you just had enough with civilization and moved into the outback. your beard must be pretty long by then.

dear barbara,
i do miss your online-places alot.
the chatting, the making friends, the inspiration, the fun, the creativity.
people like you, clara, tisha (i hope i remember her name right. too bad i dont have her emailaddy), cintia, katja, em, ronin, killer-bee and many other. some of them are here on facebook )

but i guess it is or should be the same with the “dear online friend”.
time to let go.

(ha, still missing it though. but goodbye old times)

the last day of work. the last day in this awful place with all the trouble, chaos, mean things.
of course there will be a few people i will miss (not to mention the kids..)
BUT i am so looking forward for some days off and moving on to the new job next year.
im not really sure how this will turn out. maybe i am one of those persons quitting their jobs again and again.
maybe i am one of those always searching for the most best thing and never finding it.
but i dont really care about all that right now.
staying where i am right now would make me miserable in the end.
do not want this. so i better look for what i want.

365 photos, one year.
one hell of a year.
lots of cleaning up and sorting through. in evey way.
my apartment, my closets, my mind, my soul.
trying to get where i wanna be.
these days i keep telling myself: you are done.
you’ve got an amazing “base” for a new start. do it.
i will.

the last 365 days were exhausting.
so much trouble at work. and after deciding i dont want this no more i found a new job within two weeks. so i’ll be somewhere else from 2nd january 2012 on.

lots of trouble, many lessons.
letting many people go because even though i may like them they bring me down.

life was hard but good the last 365 days.

(oh and since i wanna compare the last 356 days with the next 365 days i gonna go on with project 365 part 3 very soon!

i figured there should be at least one november post here.
life is passing by *lol* i am pretty sure after december 9th my life will become nicer. thats when i am almost out of my job.
last day is december 22th but right now it feels like i will be there forever. i may have off 12th december. so when the 9th is there i’ll take the three day weekend to relax and calm down. 8 more days of work left then. looking forward for vacations and my new job.
i almost ordered all christmas and new years presents which makes me happy *lol*
i discovered the living dead dolls and fell in love with them. already owning two of them. and zombies. they scare me so so so much but i cant stop listing to the zombie audiobook i have right now.
ive got alot ideas for my webpages. i wanna become famous with that nah i really would like to have an online place where it comes all together. but right now – not much time for it.
this weekend my neighbours daughter will sleep at my appartment. geez how stupid i was to tell her she could stay one night. she always wanted too. she is nine years old. i wont get sleep and my cat will hate me. i still hope she will do what she usually does when she stays somewhere else o,m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m –> haha that was my cat, sorry!
okay when she stays somewhere else she often wants to go home between 10:00 – 12:00 -so i MAY be lucky.

so yes that was november.

maybe i just should take a plane and claim my hollywood life.
co-worker told me her weekend is booked up. mine too. just ask me how many tv shows i gonna watch.
a mother told me her daughters hair is always full with sand when she comes home. showers her every day.
because she is afraid it could cause lice or something other bad. hm.

im talking too much. too many people asking me too many stuff. shut up.

slept more than 12 hours. but have been awake every now and then
woke up with major pain in my back. the right side. when i bend over or try to move my right side a little bit more it hurts.
the pain goes from back to the chest. since i have a cough for a few weeks now i guess its because of it. took all medication i could find for it!

on thursday roxette where in town. i had a ticket but sold it because i didnt wanna go anymore. on thursday i got a call from a friend who just had won
two tickets. i still said no. i didnt wanna go in the first place and i had to work the next morning. busy week by the way.
had a big talk about some childs issues with her mother, another family who had complained about that girl +  parent representative + someone from the board of directors, my boss and me. weird and serious situation. went well. nice thing was that that person fromthe board of directors told me i did very good.